Yesterday

Well yesterday would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.   It's all so crazy!  Some days I can't believe that I'm divorced.  Other days I think its the best thing that could have happened.  I know I'm gonna be okay.  I know my girls will be okay.  It just pisses me off that I have to be here.  That the man I put my faith, love and trust in couldn't do the same.  It just blows my mind.    

But I have to get over it.  I have to move on.  I may never know the truth.  And I have to be okay with that as hard as it is.

I am a strong woman...I can do anything I set my mind to.  I will get over this, I will be better because of it.  I will make my girls be strong women who don't need to depend on anyone. 

I will overcome this because I can!

just a thought

This is so true.......

I want to find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss me.
Someone who knows I'm not perfect but treats me as if I am.
Someone who's afraid to lose me.
Someone who will give their heart completely
Someone who says I love you and means it.
Someone who I can put my trust in completely.
I want to find someone who wakes up everyday and falls for me all over again.

It's Official

Well it's official.....I am divorced.  I feel very numb.  I can't decide if I want to cry or ...... I don't know what?  I can't believe that on October 3rd we would have been married 15 years.  That's a long time.  There's a song I heard the other day, some of the lyrics are i would die for you....that's how i felt about him.  I would have died for him, given him anything, done anything for him.  Sometimes the pain is raw, like an open wound.  You never know when something is gonna rip it open again and bring up old pain.  I can replay conversations in my head, things we said or didn't say.  I question myself.  I  think of how I begged him to stay.  I think of the lies, the things that we said.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.  I pray for my children.  I pray they don't go through this.  I pray I can overcome this and move on.

I search for my smile, for my happiness.  I try, oh how I try....but tonight the tears just want to fall.

Heard Maggie Rose's song Better this weekend.  Some of her lyrics hit home....I just want to feel better.  I'm ready to put the pieces of my life back together and move on.  I'm tired of trying to figure it out.  I want to move forward, be the best that I can be.  I'm tired of looking back, trying to understand.  I just want to feel better.

I Cry

I cry for all we have lost,

a husband, a father, a friend.

I cry for this journey 

that begins.

Unknown roads ahead

with twists and turns.

Uncertainty around every bend

I cry for this pain to end.

I cry for my heart to heal

for my love to finally end.

This New Journey

All of this is so new to me.  I am starting this blog as a way to get my thoughts down....to get them out of my head and just out there.  I have had some major changes in my life recently.  Things I never imagined would happen have.  I try to look for the joy in each day, to push forward, to make the best of it.  Sometimes along the way I get lost.  If only for a moment or two.  That's when doubt and sadness enter my heart and my thoughts.  Those are the times when I turn to writing.  My goal is to push away from just those times and to write about the good times too.  What I am going through is nothing compared to what others go through on a daily basis.  This blog is not intended to help anyone but myself.  It's just a way for me to express myself.